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Parenting Parenting is something we both do and feel, incorporating our behaviors and our attitudes. Culture shapes and defines all behaviors and attitudes, from the way we dress, eat, speak, gesture and move our bodies, to the way we perceive the world. Culture also shapes and defines the values and goals we set out for ourselves and our children. If we come from mixed families or from diverse communities, how then can we raise our children to embrace and identify with all parts of their cultural heritage? Here are some suggestions for a culture-wise parenting style that will help to encourage: • A positive racial and ethnic identity, including positive self-esteem regarding physical appearance. 1) Cultural Context: Raising a family in, and not around, a culture  Context is key, and though not all families live in diverse communities, all families can make their home a safe, culturally cohesive space, combining elements from each part of your family’s heritage. For children of all ages, books filled with stories and pictures of different types of families (interracial, adoptive, lesbian/gay) and of kids from various racial, ethnic, and cultural backgrounds are a fun and easy way to educate and set a tone. Additionally, having dolls and toys that reflect a range of skin tones and backgrounds, including your child’s, helps to normalize difference. Finally, filling your home with ethnic, cultural, and religious objects (sights, sounds, smells, and tastes) can transform your home into one that acknowledges and values difference. When these objects are enjoyed together, whether over meals, during conversations, or play, they take on special meaning and value. 2) Community and Role Models: It takes a village  While books, toys, and religious objects may set a welcoming, culturally cohesive tone, this can be superficial, and is only a first step. It is not enough to be surrounded by diversity (just living in NYC won’t make someone comfortable with difference). Instead, you (and your children), should have real and meaningful relationships and interactions with people of different backgrounds, inviting them into your home, visiting them in their homes, living and celebrating life together. Be a part of your community or build the one you want. In addition to being a role model to your children, welcome other role models into your family’s life. 3) Race is Real: Appearances matter Even though race has no scientific basis, it has real social implications. Despite our desire to move beyond the concept of race, appearances—skin color, type of hair, clothing, and even attractiveness—all carry different meanings across different social contexts. Categorizing things, including people, is part of how people make sense of the world. However, we can shape how these meanings are perceived and interpreted by encouraging our children to pay attention to their appearance and to take pride in it. Positive self-esteem and body image can be supported by looking in a mirror with your child and encouraging them to examine themselves—and you! Call attention to the identifying characteristics that make them unique and beautiful. Ignoring differences will not make them go away, and others outside your home will not ignore it. Help your child to learn to understand and to talk about their appearance, from how similar to how different they are from you, your family, and others in the world.  |
4) Development: A lifelong process We are all constantly growing, changing, and renegotiating ourselves within our shifting social and physical contexts. As each parent knows, just as one child may walk or talk earlier than another and just as one may need more discipline than another, some children have an easier time during adolescence as they do (or do not) actively seek to define who they are. Just because two children are siblings does not mean they will experience their identity development process in the same way. Each will have different needs and interests. Each may try on different labels or names in order to discover an identity that makes sense to them. Gender, racial, and ethnic appearance will shape identity and influence social interactions. For example, some have found that girls-especially multi-racial/ethnic girls—can have both an easier and a harder time depending on the extent to which their appearance is exotified and depending on their response to this. Boys, on the other hand, are less likely to be exotified and more likely to be included in a social group based primarily on interests and skills. Yet, it is important to keep in mind that identity is fluid and can change multiple times over a lifetime. Just as you changed into parents when your child was born and just as you change along with various phases and events in your life, a child/teenager/young adult is likely to go through various phases too. 5) Communication and Style: Content and tone The best way to teach your child about their family history (whether racial, ethnic, cultural, or religious) is to talk about it with them directly. In these conversations, you will not only provide them with a sense of belonging by knowing their history (your history), but they will learn how to talk about their different identities. Even if you struggle, being honest and upfront with your child that you know their story is complex—and maybe even a little confusing—and that you know race exists for them (particularly for older children), together you will figure out how to discuss these things, both within your family and with your interactions with others outside your home. These conversations should occur with sympathy, respect, and love as tone matters. A child can sense when an adult is hostile, uncomfortable, or dismissive of their heritage or appearance. But, they can also sense when an adult is excited, honest, or encouraging. Be careful how you color your conversations. 6) Embrace the Opportunities: Beyond the challenges Though there are surely challenges to being mixed, to being a bridge between different worlds, to responding to inquiries about the way one looks, dresses, or eats, there are also many benefits to being mixed. Possessing a diverse background or coming from a diverse family or community can allow one to fit into several different groups and to see things from several different perspectives. While at times exhausting, being mixed challenges expectations and opens up new possibilities for shifting definitions and identities. Help your child to navigate their different identities by embracing the opportunities with a sense of pride and excitement. 7) Know Yourself: Parents are people too Again, just as children grow and change, parents grow and change. From the moment you become a parent, you are constantly adjusting your parenting practices as your child grows. Just as you must be aware of the changing needs and capabilities of your child, you should be aware of your own changing needs and capabilities—including your own understanding of yourself racially, ethnically, culturally, and religiously. Try to model a strong sense of self and comfort within your own skin, even across your own changes and periods of growth. Your child will benefit from having you not only as a model of someone secure in their identity, but they will benefit from having a parent that is stable enough to support them in their own process of development. |